Yarrr

prairiepirate @ 2009-07-03T13:01:00

2009-07-03T19:21:47Z

I'm temporarily docked in the middle of nowhere at my folks' place, and I've got a few minutes of alone time for once in my poor hectic life. Is update time.

First and foremost, in OMG OMG OMG news, Pirate has all but locked in an honest-to-god real job for August (by real job I mean something that's full-ish time and actually something to do with my training and theoretical career). School is done at the end of July, and things are looking very, very promising at the place I've got my practicum lined up. I'll be with a small local paper that publishes monthly, pulling double duty as a design assistant and editorial assistant. And since one of my instructors is jumping ship to be head layout design there, and is pushing hard to get me a permanent position... yeah. Pirate feels good about this.

The funny part of this story is that I actually applied for scads of editing jobs in the city when I finished my english degree in '06. Apparently I had to get a design degree to actually get offered one. There's fifty grand well spent.

I'm hoping this will leave me with free time to do things like date (if I even remember how) and see people who I don't work/go to school with. And if I'm really lucky, the means to move in with Teddy until such time as I need to flee the city and/or decide to buy a condo. Not that I want to buy a stupid apartment. It's just cheaper than renting in the long run. And I'll be reasonably sure that condo neighbors are less likely to stab me than the sketchy neighbors I seem to be perpetually cursed with.

Now if only I can get through the next month of School, work, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

prairiepirate @ 2009-06-08T21:39:00

2009-06-09T04:05:42Z

I had a weird weekend. Teddy and I were supposed to go out to our home town and dog sit for the parental units. But because my parents are very much like me (or vice versa) plans got canceled at the last minute, and I ended up crashing at Teddy's to get an escape night in.

The weird part is that Teddy's very, very recent ex is in town for the summer, and they've been hanging out. I wanted to be mad at Fox, because I can see how much Teddy's hurting over the breakup. I didn't think I could be really mad at him in the long run - after all, he was there beside Teddy holding my hand while I went through the Coming Out Summer of DOOM. I may have died without the two of them, and I mean that in all seriousness. But I still thought some of that would be gone, or at least set aside while we work out the new situation.

But just a few minutes after he got there, I caught Fox's eye - something I normally do very little. Looking people in the eye scares me sometimes. I don't know why. I'm just always afraid of what I'll see there. That's beside the point. What I saw on Fox's face looked instantly familiar, because I've felt it on my own so much recently. And then I looked to Teddy, and saw the same look on his face that I see so often on Jose's. The second part I knew already. Both are still hung up on the idea of a relationship that just isn't going to happen, and they refuse to think about it not happening eventually.

But Fox? How could I be mad at him? It's killing him to be friends with Teddy, but it would kill him equally to lose him entirely. I don't have to ask him if that's true. Oh, it helps to have had Teddy's side of the story in advance, but I didn't expect this. He might as well have been wearing my face, my thoughts. But then Teddy has always said Fox and I are alike in a lot of ways.

The whole thing threw me off balance temporarily, but the three of us ended up driving around with coffee, smokes, and music half the weekend. It was fantastic. Absolutely wonderful. I forgot how good it was to hang out with the two of them. And the weight off my chest knowing I don't have to change how I think about Fox? My god.

Pirate needs sleep now. I've either got a flu or I've run myself to the verge of total burnout. Either way, a good night of sleep has to help.

Just for lolz

2009-05-28T01:55:16Z

or A Morning in the Life of Pirate

Biking to class this morning, and I come off a curve under an underpass by the river, when BAM! Flock of geese. Just sitting there on the path. It was too late to try to turn around them without crashing, and too late be be sure of the brakes. So there was nothing to do but keep going and hope for the best. Normally, one would think the stupid birds would move out of the way. Nope. Not until the last possible second. I'm slamming the brakes and ducking, swerving to avoid the ones still on the ground, and frantically dodging the ones flapping a foot from my head. Oh, and swearing. There was a lot of swearing. I do hope there weren't small children nearby.

That's all I've got. Too stoned to function. So happy to be done filming. So going to just curl on my bed and stare at a movie... or something.

No Pirates or geese were harmed in the making of this entry.

I . . . live.

2009-05-27T04:19:25Z

More or less, anyway.

Survived the move (barely, it's a long story and I don't really want to revisit it), got settled in, and have just been going non-freaking stop since. I've been checking up on everyone's updates, but I've been too burned out or incoherent to comment or post. So that's where I've been.

One of the most demanding things the last few weeks has been a video project for school. We're mastering Final Cut, but in order to have anything to film, well, let's just say the school can't afford professional actors for us. So we're pre- and post production, actors, directors, tech crew - you name it, we're on our own. It's both fun and excrutiating (insert your own damn cheeky bdsm joke here - I'm out of funny after 4 days of filming). It's mostly filming that's excruciating, but only when I'm in front of the camera, and not for reasons you might assume. I have probably 10 times the screen time either of the others in my group do (more out of neccesity than any real desire), and I am so sick of sitting in front of a camera, in a heavy blazer, under 3, count 'em, 3 spotlights for three hours straight, day after day. And if I sweat, I ruin my makeup/wardrobe. And have to do it again. Take after take after take. And I've been informed that after I thought my role was wrapped, I've been informed the guy operating the camera fucked two of my scenes, so we've got to redo them tomorrow. This is the fourth freaking day. ARGH.

But really, things aren't all bad. Goth night was a blast (Maria's boots make me about 13 different kinds of happy). The whole night was awesome. Awesome, I say. And I hit up a client's reception for her show at a gallery. She went through a printer herself, so I hadn't gotten to see a physical copy of the invitations I'd designed for it. Free wine, free food, I got showed off to her art buddies and she's made it very clear that she'll be coming to me whenever she needs design work (and video work, from the sound of it, which should be . . . interesting).

On that note, I'm going to go call my cell company and see if I can figure out why instead of texts from everyone that's been sending them today, I'm only getting the same two messages from my buddy Buffer. Over and over and over again. Oh, it's just a non-stop barrel of laughs and excitement around Pirate's place.

...that sounds like a kid's show. Pirate's Place. Which is a scary, scary thought. "Arr, avast kids! Today we're... um... you're going to play amongst yourselves. Your Pirate pal just spotted some booty that needs pillaging."

Public Service Announcement

2009-04-29T04:40:12Z

I know updates have been few and far between lately, but it's not going to improve for a little while yet. Bear, Smokey and I actually managed to find a place in time, and now I must deal with moving. And because I absolutely refuse to have ALL the bills in my name, it could be a week or two before one of the two boys phones around to get interwebs hooked up again. I'd be less stubborn about it if I didn't think there's a good chance I'll fuck off in the next year, but even so it just doesn't seem fair that my name's the one at risk all the time.

Long story short, If I'm terribly silent for a while, I'm not dead. Probably. Moving's never killed me before, but there's a first time for everything.

On a completely unrelated note, my first paying freelance job was a resounding success, Not in the sense that I made a fortune, but I have a very happy client, and that means more to me than the money. Which is probably why I'm insane enough to have agreed to two non-paying projects that may or may not end up verging on epic, just for the cred I can add to my name.

More packing must be done. The Pirate will return just as soon as she can with more riveting tales from the madhouse... er... ship.

flop

2009-04-22T05:26:50Z

Short post. Am alive, more or less. Still searching for a place to live, with 8 days to bloody well find it. I'm starting to get to a panic level. Not full blown freak out panic yet, but I was in that weird verge of a panic attack stage all day yesterday. But we've got a couple of viewings tomorrow, so yay! One sounds like we might be gold if we can give them the security deposit that day. It's kinda far from where I need to be for works and schools, but I'll manage.

But on the good news end, guess which Pirate finally got her balls back and flirted with a very cute girl this weekend? Pity she was so drunk, because I don't like to risk the "who the hell are you again?" reaction when I get a number, and because even if I took said risk, her friends decided she needed to go home and sleep. But overall, Pirate is best pleased. There will be other chances with this one - we run in some of the same circles.

Sleep now. More fun with coding, packing and house-hunting tomorrow. Oh, my life is so very thrilling, I can hardly stand it.

But I wanna go out and play!

2009-04-11T19:40:02Z

The older I get, the more I realize that potentially the worst thing about being an adult is having to tell yourself you can't go out and enjoy a beautiful spring day because you have to work. The prairies are finally more or less defrosted and ready for pillaging, and this Pirate is busy telling herself that if she doesn't start packing her shit this weekend, she's going to be a sad panda when she has to do it all in the week before she moves.

Not that I have a place to move to yet, but at least I've finally got some sort of game plan out with the roomies. I think it's going to be just Bear and Smokey (that would be Twiggy's ex, who stayed with us when they broke up and she moved back to her mom's) and I. Which works for me. I like Smokey's friend, but he just doesn't mesh as well with the rest of the group.

I'm going to go shower the library dust off, pack some stuff, and then I believe I may voyage to ye olde hometown for a day or two and appease my mother before she kills me for never visiting or calling anymore. Tah!

It's not that I don't like you, I just want you to fuck off.

2009-04-06T04:37:42Z

I'm in a slightly bizarre place right now. Despite being in an almost obscenely good mood for the past week (about damn time, I say say), I'm also feeling antisocial in a way I haven't in years. Lately everyone seems odd and out to invade my personal space. I don't mean that in the paranoid way it probably sounded. I just mean that for some reason, dealing with people is just plain exhausting right now.

Now, I'm trying to be nice about it ("I'm sorry, but I really just need a night to myself.") when I turn down hangouts. But what does one do when someone doesn't get the bloody hint? It's not like I'm even vaguely hinting, but blatantly saying things like "I should get going, I'm just not up for hangouts right now". Teddy is more or less exempt just because he's, well, y'know. He's like my baby brother, and if he really needs me, I'm there. But a buddy from school just doesn't fucking get the hint, and it's getting to the point where I'm inventing excuses out of thin air just so I don't have to say things like "I'd be up for short hangouts, but you'll end up kidnapping me and holding me hostage halfway across the city for the next four hours while I keep saying how much I have to go, you ignore my increasingly loud and irritable Pirate-need-go-home-nows, and your fiance makes me question just how immoral it really is to kill someone for being both a social and mental failure, a loud, particularly annoying failure."

But that wouldn't be nice, now, would it? I'm not mad at him, I just wish there was a way to get it through his head that sometimes I need solo time, and he needs to find alternate sources of amusement. Like taking his fiance to the zoo to play in the tiger cage, or hell, even just a few blocks from home to play in traffic.

At least I work the next two evenings.

grin

2009-04-01T04:59:28Z

Holy crap, a run of good luck!

So, started at the the new job yesterday, and it's ZOMGWTFBBQBACON AWESOME. I seriously just want to spin in little circles of happy when I'm there. I'm not tired and cranky when I leave. Everything is clean and tidy, and everyone I work with is competent. The work flow is so vastly different - more fluid and dynamic, and the patrons actually bear resemblance to real human beings. That's right, I don't have to wash hobo off my hands after every shift now. And did I mention I've landed myself in the library with potentially the best music collection in the library system? Yeah. Awesome.

And for a further piece of good news, I'm somehow getting twice what I expected from student loans for my living allowance. So I have enough budget to not starve in the dark until August without selling my kidneys or spending my every free minute in class sending freelancing proposals. And it means that some of the houses I had to vote no on before are options again, so we may not have to move into the skeevy part of town.

On a completely irrelevant note, a very geeky part of me really wants a </head> tattoo on my neck. School has broken me forever.

Born freeeeeeee....

2009-03-29T00:19:10Z

I'm going to post to prove my continued existence, and then I'm going to go be horizontal for a little while. I've used up my ability to care about anything for roughly the next 3 months in the past couple of weeks. It's just one thing after another. It's nothing I couldn't handle normally (if things came up one or two at a time, say) but I'm at the point where when I sit down to try to get things done, I'm just overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things needing doing, causing me to throw up my hands, let out a roar of frustration, and pout in a corner with music more often than not and fail spectacularly at productivity.

I didn't think I'd make it through work today. Thank god I move to a different branch on Monday. I was getting snappy about an incompetent coworker, and pissed at pretty much the entire department. Things are so broken there. Finally, when my supervisor asked if things would go quicker if we worked in pairs, I just bluntly said that it wasn't a bad idea for everyone else, but frankly, they'd just screw it up and slow me down. Since I was the only halfway competent one working my shift, I just wanted to be alone and do my thing, know it was done right, and fucking go home. Thankfully, the supervisor in question is one of the ones who is just as frustrated by all the fuck ups as me, and she understood completely.

In other news, my brain continues to find new ways to surprise me. Teddy has been off traveling Europe, and he came back a little early to visit his boyfriend out east. Their relationship has been rocky for some time, and they finally talked things out and called it. All very friendly, but Teddy was completely in love with him. Unfortunately, he wasn't up for the long haul, and Teddy was. And so it goes. Anyway, the surprising bit: your friendly neighborhood Pirate finds herself oddly sad about it. I didn't really count the boyfriend as a friend, exactly (we didn't hang out that much), but he and Teddy were the only things keeping me from falling apart when I was coming out a few years back. My only really good memories of the summer of 2006 come from time I spent with the two of them, and that really means a lot. It was a very, very dark period for me, and they were just there to hang out and be there for me when I needed to. They introduced me to amazing music and helped me get my brain sorted. And to know that half of that pair is probably mostly out of my life for good makes me sad, despite how little time we've really spent together overall.

I'm going to post a little later with something frivolous, but for the time being I need to be in a hot shower, put food in myself, and go and look for a new place to live, which will likely prove futile given that fully half of the ads I've replied to have been scams. The landlord picked a great time to sell the house. I'm beginning to lose hope that there are any rental properties left in this city that actually, physically exist and/or that I can afford without having to add two more roomies (3 is enough, thank you). Once I've given up, I'll be back to regale you with further tales.

prairiepirate @ 2009-03-14T21:23:00

2009-03-15T03:57:26Z

I had the talk with Jose yesterday morning (classes were canceled yesterday, and we had a few drinks with the roomies and another buddy from school the night before). It sucked. It sucked really hard.

I couldn't find a solution to the problem that I was comfortable with aside from just putting a stop to whatever this was as soon as possible. I don't know. Maybe given enough breathing room to see if I was open to a casual relationship, I'd feel differently. But knowing that he's falling in love makes it different. I don't want to fuck with his head and his heart more than I have to, and I just feel too pressured as things stand to give him an answer.

So when he asked me how I felt and where we were (it was getting to be a common question, though he was surprisingly good about giving me some "I don't know" time), I told him I had to end it.

He negotiated. He begged. He cried. Okay, he didn't cry, exactly, just one big crocodile tear, but it didn't take an expert to see he was holding it in until he left. But then, he wasn't the only one with a crocodile tear or two, and I did cry after he left. It hurt far more than I could have believed to do that to him.

But the worst part was him finding a tender spot I wouldn't have even guessed at. When I said, "I can't. I can't try knowing how likely it is I'll hurt you," he fired right bad with, "No, you won't try. You won't even give it a chance." I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Deep down, I feel like he's right. How much of my needing to get out of this is just because I'm too scared to even try? Because I'm afraid of hurting him, but more importantly, because I'm afraid of the mindfuck I'm in for if I did fall? Because I don't know if I can handle a sort of reverse coming out?

I've been wandering around in a morose daze ever since, with sporadic bursts of wine-induced maudlin periods. Speaking of, I'd trying very hard to ignore the urge to go and pick up a bottle to get me through the night.

Dear god, let it hurt less tomorrow. That's all I ask.

OMGWTFBBQ?!?

2009-03-11T06:06:52Z

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Stupid. Bad Pirate. Very bad Pirate.

Remember Jose? The classmate who I kinda drunkenly made out with back in September or thereabouts? Yeah. I kinda not-so-drunkenly slept with him.

I've managed to keep him to a more or less tolerable level of perving on me for 6 months. So how the crap did this happen?

Last night, he had been hanging out at my place and we were stoned (which is generally a given if the story takes place in my house, but I digress). It got late-ish, and I was half-asleep and flopped on the couch, and I was way too mellow at that point to even care much that he started to get cuddly when everyone else had all buggered off or gone to sleep. Don't ask me why, but he decided to scoop me up and carry me to my bed.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I was inches away from pass out land, when all of a sudden puppy-like Jose surprises the shit out of me by going all dom.

. . . and by being adept enough to take me from "Wha- ow! My brain! I'm confused!" to "This oddly okay, but I should really stop this now." to lying there sweaty and naked and wondering what the fuck just happened, all without giving my brain adequate time to register exactly what was happening so it could start flaling and flashing the danger lights.

Problem the first - okay, sex with a guy is never going to be in the same realm as girl sex. But it's not terrible or anything. Always feels a bit weird to me, but if we were just talking one night stand or occasional fling here and there, I probably wouldn't be so freaked out. But he had to go and develop feelings for me, didn't he? He's trying to talk me into a casual relationship at the very least. Which leads to...

Problem the second - the emotional attachment end is big - I'm not the world's biggest penis fan, but I don't run in fear of it, either. But while a girl confessing she loves/likes me (even if I don't feel the same) makes me all happy and giddy. Guy does the same, I've actually been known to get nauseous. I just don't get that spark, that attachment, whatever. And it feels wrong to me to date someone who I really just want to be friends with, no more. What's the point when the only possible outcome is breaking his heart?

Problem the third - even on the microscopically tiny chance that I did actually fall for him, I hate to admit it, but being gay has become a fundamental part of my identity. Everything finally clicked in my head when I came out. I felt right. I felt at home in my own skin. Dating him, or letting this go on in any capacity, is going to fucking break my brain. The first two problems are really only incidental. This isn't really a good time for an identity crisis. And to add another level of crazy, I'm a little freaked out by how much the identity thing fucks with my head. That, more than anything, has been driving me ape shit all day.

Problem the fourth - he knows about Maria and I, but how's he going to feel should I pick up a primary somewhere along the line? Especially since I would fight to hold onto what Maria and I have, but I'd likely consider dropping him at a word, if necessary.

On a positive note, at least he's trying to be patient and do lots of talking. We talked about the first two problems, but his response to those tends to be that he's a big boy and if he wants to risk getting hurt, that's his call.

I don't know how to tell him that it isn't a risk. I will hurt him. We know this road all too well. Sooner or later he's going to be jealous, or he's going to start getting all serious and I'm going to have to tear his heart out, because I won't be able to reciprocate. Been there, done that, bought the shirt.

Blargh. My brain is going to kill me.

braaaaaains...

2009-02-11T04:47:31Z

I'm alive. Incapable of being entertaining, but alive. Real update sometime around Friday, when I get a chance to collapse for a few hours in a row. Just letting everyone know I haven't sailed off the edge of the earth.

And if anyone sees my brain running around, lasso the bugger and send it back to me. I'm beginning to miss it a bit.

Pirate sleep now. Dream of broken servers and screwed up registration keys and menu layouts. Fun.

So.... job hunt time.

2009-01-28T04:46:17Z

Okay, I was trying to be adult about all the rest of the bullshit going on at work. I was even trying very, very hard not to freak about the flip-flopping on my new Saturday shifts. I thought that I could stick out the worst of it if I used sick days/ school leave to my full advantage.

But after tonight I realize that there is no way I am going to be able to deal maturely with both the regular bullshit and the weekly shift with Leo. He's decided that because he has seniority, he gets to be the boss. Except, um, he has no authority whatsoever. Seniority basically just means you get first crack at benefits and job openings. Otherwise he and I are on a level playing field.

This does not stop him from barking out orders and trying to force me to do all the shite work. I didn't handle it as well as I could have the last time he did it tonight. He came down to the basement where I was working, well after the final cleanup should have been started, and told me to do it. I snapped, because he'd been dicking around for the last half hour, and I was actually getting shit done. I dropped the bag of magazines I was getting ready for recycling on the floor (and spilled half on them), Dropped my pen and clipboard where I stood, unclipped the pager and tossed it in his general direction, and said "Fine, I guess I'd better get on that right now. But you're covering down here, and I don't want to see your face upstairs." I left before he could answer.

I'm upset with myself. I was on the verge of completely losing control in a way I haven't done since I came out and started dealing with my issues like a big girl. And over someone who isn't worth it. But still. The bullshit authority card has always been a gigantic button for me (but seriously, who doesn't loathe that?). I didn't think. I just acted. That's not like me.

Funny, I'm more upset with myself for nearly losing control than I am at him.

So, back to the job search idea. And maybe some freelance design work, if I can swing it.

And really, I'm still a wee bit grumpy now, but life in general has been going so well that I doubt it will last long. I'll probably be bouncy and happy again tomorrow.

give-away meme

2009-01-27T05:06:30Z

I was going to do an actual post, but I yoinked this from smoken_mirrors instead. Cuz I'm lazy.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year. (might be a little while)
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to repost.

(And I warn you I will take full advantage of that last point.)

I'm back, baby!

2009-01-20T07:12:27Z

And so are my interwebs. The router we were using belonged to Leo/George, and I managed to acquire not one, but two broken replacements. And managed to bugger my old settings in the meantime. But I've finally got a working router and hack through the jungles of settings to get things going again.

Tangentially, Leo (or George, or dyinggaul , or whatever you want to call him) and that mess are... well, pretty much resolved, in my mind. There's some wrap-up I can cover later. I'm sorry that this ended the way they did, but I don't forsee being able to forgive this. But I've also resolved not to let it fuck with my head anymore. I'll still have to deal with him for 3 hours a week at work, but I'm not terribly concerned about that right now.

Actually, I'm not terribly concerned about anything right now. I'm in an almost unnaturally good mood. It actually took me a moment to register what exactly it was at first. I was walking to the bus stop yesterday morning, the weather was beautiful, and I was just kind of enjoying being out there. Then I realized I felt weird... and I realized I was just genuinely happy. I was the day before, too (supper with Teddy and Bear topped with hangouts with Maria and sleepseeker may have contributed to that, not to mention Maria's new preemptive grump-squishing tactics). That it was kinda foreign feels really wrong somehow. It isn't that I haven't been happy. I just keep letting myself get bogged down worrying about paying off bills from the Vesper fallout, and the escalating situation with Leo, and well... yeah. Everything. I haven't been unhappy, I just haven't pulled off an extended good mood in ages.

I think that I'm sort of blessed with a lot of time in my own head both at work and school, and the past few weeks I've been using that for a sort of mental spring cleaning - sweeping out all the pointless worries and guilt and bullshit and dust bunnies. I think it worked. I feel like my old self again. Like I felt when I was freshly out of the closet and dating and full of self-confidence and enthusiasm. I even caught myself grinning at cute girls just to see if they'd blush again (how in the name of all that's holy did I manage to forget how much fun that is?).

So, yay! Happy Pirate. Happy happy happy.

...I bet Maria's been sneaking Prozac into my beer. Or the HR instructor at school has been lacing our coffee with whatever the hell she's on.

--
Completely unrelated to anything, but I'm attempting to draw up a cast list... potentially with sketches/cartoons. Hopefully that'll make everything easier to follow. Now let's see if I actually do it. I'm having a hard time deciding exactly what I want to do and how I should introduce everyone.

Work-based rant. You've been warned.

2009-01-13T05:23:00Z

You know what, Universe? Fuck you. I can only assume I was a real bastard in a former life or something.

That, or god thinks that fucking with my head is funny.

I don't think I have the energy for an update on the George situation. Soon. For now, "Wow. I really, really didn't see that coming." is pretty much sufficient. And no, that's not a good wow.

Anyway, the point is that I had nearly gotten my head working properly again after the George incident, then I get into work this evening. My supervisor just moved to the west coast, so things are a little chaotic. I was supposed to be giving George's Wednesday night shifts back this month, leaving me with two evenings and a Sunday shift. Ah, that's nicely out of the nervous breakdown zone I was working myself into. Except the department head called me into her office to give me the letter making the change official.

"Um... why is there a Saturday shift there? I don't remember anything about that."
"Well, we're restructuring your shift and..."

Long story short, I tried to explain that puts me in a working/school 7 days a week position that I don't really need to put myself through. It actually hurts me when I have to reapply for student loans in the spring. Several minutes of guilt-trips later, I agreed to try it, but I also reserved the right to veto them if it was too much. Honestly, since the library stops opening on Sundays in the spring, I figured I could probably stick it out for a couple of months.

Of course, this is when she told me that my department is going to start integrating with my old one. The old one being the one Maria and I fled in terror and general frustration. I like the supervisor, and I'm almost happy about working with her again. sleepseeker is there, too. I could see some definite benefits. But if the old shit that was driving me nuts is still happening (and I assume it is - the persons responsible are still there), then I don't know how long I can do it before I snap. Since I switched, I've gotten spoiled by a minimal fuck-up level in the new department and at least one person with sway who will actually listen/take action if I have a problem with something.

I wish they at least had the decency to admit that the main reason for this is almost certainly that blending the pages from both departments is cheaper and easier (on them - dear god, so much training for virtually all of the pages) than hiring a new supervisor in our department. "Hell, there are only four of 'em right now. Why bother hiring someone to keep 'em in line when we can just dump 'em on an already overworked department? Never mind three of them aren't fully trained in their own department yet!" FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Did I mention that I still have to keep the Wednesday shifts until the 25th?

I'm angry enough that I'm going to talk to an old ally at one of the smaller branches and see if I can's charm my way into a small block of hours over there (and as an added bonus, said branch is just a few blocks from Maria and M). Lacking that, I may have to start looking for a new job. I don't know if I'm going to knock the dust off my resume just yet or at least give the situation a fair chance. I'm not letting myself make a concrete decision until a)the rage subsides and I can think coherently, or b) the rage refuses to die after a day or two of cooling off.

God, I've been doing a lot of bitching lately. I should put up a sketch or something tomorrow to make up for it.

prairiepirate @ 2008-12-24T11:42:00

2008-12-24T17:42:29Z

Merry Christmas, Pirate; the gods have decided that packing for the Christmas trip is going to trigger all kinds of memories about Vesper's kids. I really don't miss her, but dear god, I miss my boys. If anyone needs me, I'll likely be sobbing into a pillow for a little while.

prairiepirate @ 2008-12-24T00:26:00

2008-12-24T06:47:46Z

Four whole days off. This is clearly the greatest thing ever. But it also means that I have to venture out of town for a few days for Christmas with the family. Which also, also means packing the damn cat as she's way too much of an attention whore to be left alone for 3 or 4 days. I hope the trip doesn't freak her out too much. New people don't bother her, but I don't know how she'll take the new surroundings. Meh. It must be done, since I've got no one to look after her in the meantime.

On a different note, I got Firstmate safely on her way home yesterday. She'll be back for New Year's, but sanity has been restored for the time being. I only really bring it up because after I helped her carry her stuff downstairs to the cab (in my jammies - it was ass o'clock in the morning), she really threw me for a second. See, most people who know me now wouldn't guess that I had personal space issues that involved cuddles and hugs with only a select few people. She's always been much the same. She and I don't hug when we say our goodbyes. Never have. Not this time. She initiated the hug, and honestly, it felt weird.

I don't know what to make of that.

Also, I really do need to start dating again, I guess. When your mother asks if you'd like a vibrator for Christmas, there's just no other option. What a conversation:

"What?! No! Not from you guys! I'll start dating, I'll start dating! Ahh!"
"I just want to make sure you're happy!"
"I'm happy! I'm happy! I can buy those for myself! Dear god!"
"Are you sure? I don't want to to feel pressured, but it has been awhile..."
". . . Seriously. I'm fine. Please to be changing topics now. How about art supplies? I like those. Let's talk about what kind of art stuff I need instead!"

I can't even comment further. There are no words. I don't even want to think about trying to explain what sort of things I'd like.

. . . on the other hand, I'm starting to reevaluate what her reaction to the Maria thing would be.

prairiepirate @ 2008-12-22T00:21:00

2008-12-22T06:43:51Z

Good god, that was an epic weekend. Some good, some bad, but definitely epic.

I'd talk about the bad, but other than to say Leo can apparently drive an entire house party to instant shocked/mortified silence, I can't elaborate much. The panic-inducing moments have already been related by Maria, but that all ended amazingly well. There was one slightly scary thing Thursday night, but it's more of a personally worrisome thing than anything. I'm not even sure how high it ranks on the serious scale, but I need to sort it out in my head before I talk about it.

Most of the weekend was awesome. In general, the party was awesome, and Firstmate and I had some good hangouts. But... I hate it, but I can see that we're growing apart. She and I have completely different lives in completely different parts of the country, and maybe it's just the distance, but I suddenly realized how much of my life I wasn't comfortable openly talking to her about. I'd set myself a little goal to explain the Maria thing when she got in Thursday so I wouldn't have to deal with awkward spur of the moment explanations. But she said something or other at one point, and I suddenly decided it was better to just let her ask if she was going to. Firstmate has always been kind of of the opinion that you can do whatever the hell you want, but she doesn't want to hear about it if it's too far out of her comfort zone.

I dunno. I just wish she and Teddy were a little more open-minded sometimes. I love them both dearly, but they both have a rather large conservative streak. I feel like I end up glossing over huge parts of my life around them just to avoid them freaking out. It makes me a little bit sad.

But that won't stop me from getting up at ass o'clock when I don't have to to see Firstmate off and split a pot of coffee before tossing her on a bus. I should probably cease my infernal rambling and go to bed.

Whee! ...crap.

2008-12-18T06:09:12Z

First and foremost, OMG LAST WEDNESDAY SHIFT EVER! theoretically. I am going to be so glad to give those Wednesday nights back to Leo. Three whole evenings off a week? Man, what will I do with myself?

The bad news is I'm going to be up until ass o'clock since I was waaaaaaaaaaay too fucking ambitious with my InDesign project, and I still have three stupid bloody pictures to do. And if I don't get at least one of them done tonight, I'm boned on tomorrow's deadline. If it was just photoshop, no problem. But, no. I just had to pick Illustrator. Sigh.

But hey, at least I'm just a few days away from holidays. And Firstmate is coming to town! We used to sail the prairies and plunder the mountains together back in our university days, but she's buggered off to the maritimes for more fancy book learnin'. She usually makes it in once or twice a year when she does, it's pretty much non-stop mayhem until she leaves again. Which reminds me, I need to stop for booze on the way home from class tomorrow. If Firstmate's flying Air Canada - and she will be - I guarantee her plane will be late and the only way to save humanity is to appease her with beer.

But enough rambles. Off to the graphic mines.

It was bound to happen eventually...

2008-12-05T04:41:05Z

The last lingering thread of my faith in the Canadian political system has snapped.

. . . seriously, Ottawa, what the fuck?

That is all.

Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore...

2008-12-04T05:08:43Z

I went to a Martha Wainwright concert with Teddy the other night, and I don't even know if I can properly review the show other than by saying OMG SO GOOD. It was a small venue, so the sound completely filled the place, and Martha and company were spot on all night. I bought her new album while we were waiting for the opening act to start (which was good, but all his songs were decidedly similar to one another), and it was one of the best purchases I've made in a long time.

Also, seeing her live made me develop a huge crush on her. I mean, I knew she was pretty, but in that kind of traditionally blonde and pretty way that doesn't generally do a lot for me. But when you combine that with a cute, quirky personality, a killer voice and damn fine guitar playing... yeah. Pirate's a sucker for a girl with a guitar, especially if said girl can sing too.

The downside is that I'm stuck working Thursday night to make up for skipping one of my usual nights for Martha. Boo. But I only have to go until the 19th. Then I'm done school for a few weeks, and Leo takes his godforsaken Wednesday night shifts back in January. Ooooh, free time, for me? Shiny.

I had something else to rant about, but apparently my brain has shut down for the night. Your friendly neighborhood Pirate will likely be back with more news and tales from the asylum on the weekend.

prairiepirate @ 2008-11-27T16:18:00

2008-11-27T22:45:32Z

I'm finally recovered. I had a brief relapse and was totally down for the count on Monday, managed to crawl to work and school on Tuesday, but didn't manage any real food until late last night. But man, it was the most delicious food I've ever eaten (I'm not going to lie, after nearly 5 full days of not being able to eat more than a cracker or two, any kind of food tastes wonderful). And as an added bonus, being sick meant not being able to handle smoking, so I've given myself a nice head start on quitting. The pack I have has exactly one cigarette left in it, and I'm going to smoke that tonight when I get home, then (in theory) never smoke another.

Still, the nicotine low on top of being sick was added stress I could have done without. Taking Monday off meant that I was woefully behind on 2 projects at school (both of which were due in the first half of the week) and had to deal with a lot of piled up crap at work. This lead to a gigantic flail yesterday morning before I'd even left the house that ended with Bear catching me crying on the couch. I just suddenly felt so tired and burnt out and overwhelmed and alone and weak, and I couldn't handle it. And Bear catching me crying made it even worse. The only thing worse than feeling like that is someone seeing me when I'm like that. I inherited that from Dad. He absolutely refuses to admit he needs help or support sometimes, and it frustrates me when he does it. . . so why do I do the exact same thing?

Anyway, Pirate is back in business today. Other than a sluggish appetite, head and body seem to be more or less restored. Woot.

Going out to a play with Teddy tonight (I should have said no, but I didn't, and it's too late now). Maria, I don't know why my phone refuses to give me your texts, but I'll probably be in touch later tonight. I promise I haven't died.

X_x

2008-11-24T05:30:27Z

Oh god, somebody kill me now. I don't know if I've got food poisoning or a virus, but it's been going since Friday night, and I'd really like it to stop now. Please. No, really. It's not funny any more. I think the part that really kills me is that I didn't want to drink this weekend, because I didn't want to spend half of it feeling like crap. You win this time, universe. You win this time.

Actually, I'm getting better. Food is reluctantly agreeing to stick around for longer and longer periods, but the food that does manage to stay eaten brings pain. But I broke the fever, and I've kicked the dizzy feeling when I stand/sit upright, so I'm optimistic about the progress.

I'll do a proper update later, I just wanted to prove I was still alive. And I do have sketches that will get uploaded eventually (i didn't give up entirely, I just haven't found time to collect and post the bloody things). In the meantime, this pirate is heading back to curl up in a ball again.